A friend of mine sent me this little ditty a while back. It provided no end of laughter to our cast working on a production of Carmen in Greece this summer. Many glasses of Raki and Ouzo consumed while chanting..."All Hail the Balls of a Torreador!"...
The synopsis itself is allegedly from the English Program Translations for the Genoa (Italy) Opera Company's production of "Carmen" in 1981. And has been printed in the following sources... "Uncle Johns Absolutely Absorbing Bathrooom Reader" (13th Edition), also published in "Here Speeching American" (Petras), and from the book "Heroic Failures" (Pyle).
And without further ado...
Act One: Carmen, a cigarmakeress from a tobago factory loves Don Hose. There was a noise inside the tobago factory and revolting cigarmakeresses bust onto the stage. Carmen is arrested and Don Jose is ordered to mounting guard on her but she subduces him and lets her escape.
Act Two: The tavern. Carmen Sings... enter two smugglers ("Ho, we have a mind in business.") Enter Escamillo, a Balls fighter. Carmen refuses to penetrate because Don Jose has liberated her from prison. He just now arrives. (Aria: "Slop here who comes.") But here are the bugles singing his retreat. Don Jose will leave and draws his sword. Called by Carmen's shrieks, the two smugglers interfere with her. Jose is bound to dessert.
Act Three: A rocky landscape. Smugglers chatter. Carmen sees her death in the cards. Don Jose makes a date with her for the next Balls fight.
Act Four: A place in Seville. Procession of Balls-Fighters. The roaring of the balls is heard in the arena. Escamillo enters (Aria and Chorus: "Toreador, Toreador, All hail the Balls of a toreador.") Enter Don Hose. (Aria: "I besmooch you.") Carmen repels him. She wants to join with Escamillo now chaired by the crowd. Don Hose stabbs her. (Aria: "Oh, rupture, rupture.")